#and i talk to myself on tumblr because like it's the only place i can vent and validation is nice but i assume people don't see my stuff lol
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answering these to introduce myself in this blog!
1. how did you first find out about agere in general?
I've known of the community for about... two years? I dont remember exactly how I found it, but probably someone mentioned it to me on discord.
2. how did u first find out that you were a regressor?
less than a year ago now! I started out as an age dreamer but started experiencing involuntary regressions.
3. what nicknames or pet names do you like to be called when you’re little?
anything related to space or stars! also stuff like Bubba, Little one, Baby, Tiny, Kiddo are good too. I also like nonhuman pet names like Kit, Cub or Chick.
4. does your music taste change when you’re regressed? if so, how?
I tend to prefer instrumental music when I'm little. I don't like to heard the lyrics like when I'm big, so I just have a playlist with the instrumental versions of the music I like.
6. do you usually regress voluntarily or involuntarily (or a mix of both)?
a mix of both, but its still more voluntary than anything.
7. what most often makes you regress?
being tired or sleepy, being cozy in bed with a warm drink or watching my favourite movies. feeling safe in general, I can't regress if I feel exposed or unsafe.
8. if you don’t have a cg, would you want one? if you do have a cg, how’d you meet them?
don't want caregivers, I'm a big kid! I can take care of myself just fine (I have fictional caregivers tho! they rotate depending on my current interests, now it's mainly The Doctor from Doctor Who but there are others)
9. if you have other marginalised identities (lgbtq+, neurodivergent, poc, etc), how do they figure into your regression? (intersectionality is so cool)
I'm aroace and autistic (probably)! being autistic is a HUGE part of my regression, as I let myself unmask when I'm little and I let out my emotions more than I usually do. I'm also nonhuman, and that impacts my regression too.
10. are you open about your age regression irl? how about online outside of tumblr?
nooo. too scary.
11. what physical places do you associate with your regression? (school, parks, shops, people’s houses, etc)
my room only. I don't feel safe anywhere else.
12. what’s something typically associated with agere (pacis, babbling, bluey, etc) that you don’t do?
I don't like pacis, and I don't do the baby talk that other regressors seem to like (it's too difficult to read for me). also, I don't like the kidcore aesthetic.
13. how does your current regressed personality differ from your personality when you were physically that age?
not much to be honest. I'm more low-energy and much more quiet than when I was a kid, but that's because I'm an adult now and my personality has changed a lot. but otherwise, I act a lot like how I did back then.
14. do you use different pronouns or preferred names when you’re regressed? if so, what are they?
yes yes! I looove space-themed names, they're so fun! my favourite is Starlight, but I have A LOT of them. my pronouns are the same tho.
15. what platforms do you usually go to for agere content? (tumblr, pinterest, instagram, etc)
tumblr! I don't have any other social media.
16. what’s a niche or unpopular interest you associate with your regression?
SPACE. I think that's obvious :D even tho its not really niche. ummm... I like bugs!
17. what’s ur favorite color + something you love that’s that color?
blue! my favourite blanket (a very soft cloak thingy that I wear around the house) is blue. I also like purple! and yellow!
18. which (if any) fictional characters do you think would be littles?
Spiderman has Big Little Energy!! all of the turtles from ROTTMNT too (specially Raph and Donnie). oh and Jonathan Sims from TMA. and Crowley from Good Omens! they are silly little guys.
19. which (if any) fictional characters do you think would be caregivers?
The Doctor from Doctor Who! (hes my cg :D) also Batman. and some Pokémon (not all of them tho). and Aziraphale from GO. and Steve and Alex from Minecraft :D
20. what’s something you wish you knew about agere when you first found out about it?
that its not as dramatic as some stories paint it to be. it can be intense sometimes, sure, but you can just. do little activities while not regressed. its allowed. you can do whatever you want forever!!
hi friends !! i finally finished making this :D i tried to come up with inclusive agere questions that rly make u think and aren’t specific to any brands, countries, media, etc. hopefully i did a good job at that ^^
feel free to use or repost this image as long as the credit stays in tact !!
. :+* made with a free canva template by So Swell Edu
. :+* plain text version under the cut !!
20 AGERE QUESTIONS
1. how did you first find out about agere in general?
2. how did u first find out that you were a regressor?
3. what nicknames or pet names do you like to be called when you’re little?
4. does your music taste change when you’re regressed? if so, how?
5. which fictional characters do you most relate to (or kin) when you’re little? do you still relate to them when you’re not regressed?
6. do you usually regress voluntarily or involuntarily (or a mix of both)?
7. what most often makes you regress?
8. if you don’t have a cg, would you want one? if you do have a cg, how’d you meet them?
9. if you have other marginalised identities (lgbtq+, neurodivergent, poc, etc), how do they figure into your regression? (intersectionality is so cool)
10. are you open about your age regression irl? how about online outside of tumblr?
11. what physical places do you associate with your regression? (school, parks, shops, people’s houses, etc)
12. what’s something typically associated with agere (pacis, babbling, bluey, etc) that you don’t do?
13. how does your current regressed personality differ from your personality when you were physically that age?
14. do you use different pronouns or preferred names when you’re regressed? if so, what are they?
15. what platforms do you usually go to for agere content? (tumblr, pinterest, instagram, etc)
16. what’s a niche or unpopular interest you associate with your regression?
17. what’s ur favorite color + something you love that’s that color?
18. which (if any) fictional characters do you think would be littles?
19. which (if any) fictional characters do you think would be caregivers?
20. what’s something you wish you knew about agere when you first found out about it?
by @tiny-tk on tumblr
tumblr tag: #20 agere questions
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✎ᝰ. jealousy is a disease !
there's nothing wrong with a little bit of jealousy, right? as long as you're honest about it, surely...
featuring : till
cw : fluff, gn!reader, mentions of death/being killed but nothing too graphic, probably ooc till...
a/n : OMGOMGOMG ALNST FIC ON TUMBLR???? i wasn't expecting to find any, but i find quite a lot!! i was so happy so i decided to make one myself and joined all the other writers>:) i've never watched any theory videos, so i dont really know how till acts. but from the limited videos alone, i can atleast know his personality;)
he really wouldn't have cared at all if you got closer to another human, or even an alien—is what he thought, as if he isn't glaring at you talking to your fans. your smile at those aliens lining up to shake your hands doesn't help. why would you even smile at all the aliens anyways? they all look ugly. he knows that how popular you are is not under your control, and that this is all arranged by your owner. but still, he doesn't like it, not even a single bit.
but he is happy that you're getting the recognition you deserve, after being forc—i mean, working hard for it all. but it still upsets him at how happily you talk to all the aliens, the smile you gave them, the look of adoration that you gave them. you noticed that he's been staring at you the whole time, though. but you made it seem as if you didn't, which annoys him. if he could, he would grab you by the wrist and ran away as fast as he can with you following him. but he won't. he doesn't want or like the risk of the both of you being killed because of that.
so, he endured his jealousy for what felt like an hour, and it all finally ended. "i'm sorry, have i kept you waiting?" you finally turned at him, your face glistening with sweat. even with how messy your makeup and hair has gotten after all those handshake, you still look as ethereal as ever. "till?" you tilt your head curiously when he didn't reply.
"uh—huh, what? sorry. was zonin' out." he noticed that he have been looking at your face the whole time and unintentionally ignored your question. "what did you say again?" he asked, looking away from your face this time in embarrassment. you only chuckled softly at him before finally repeating your question. "no, you didn't, it's alright." he answers quickly, as if trying to hide something, making you raise an eyebrow. "really? i really didn't keep you waiting?"
"no, it's fine. let's get inside the car before the driver leaves us here." the driver really won't leave you both here, since it's literally his job to drive the both of you from place to place. it's just his excuse to leave the place faster so he could make you get away from all your fans. "you seem to be eager of leaving this place, is something wrong?" you come closer to him, concern lacing in your gaze. with how close you are to him, it's hard for him to hide his flustered face.
so, he just turned around and walked towards the exit, making you even more confused and concerned for him. he walks really fast too, while you struggle to follow him behind.
"till, are you alright? do you feel sick? uncomfortable? or is it something else?" you asked him once again, and he avoided your gaze again. it keeps happening over and over to the point that if someone else were to watch you both from afar, they'd thought that the both of you are playing a game of tag. it took a lot of convincing from you, but he finally tells you why. not directly though, he doesn't want you to think that he's too clingy.
"i-i got a little... annoyed, when your fans got closer to you, i guess..." he muttered to himself, which made you unable to hear what he says clearly. you tilt your head to look up at him, then cup his cheeks in your hands, earning a soft gasp from him. "w-what are you—"
"are you perhaps... jealous?" you grin at him, his face growing redder as time pass. "i'm—not! let go of my face!" he grips one of your wrist with his hand, but he didn't even make an attempt to move your hands away from his face. "really? your expression says otherwise." you giggle when he glares at you, although his red face betrays the 'scary look' he's giving you.
"i said i'm not, end of the story. let's get in the car or whatever..." he finally swats your hand away, not too harsh though, and he walks away from you. your giggle only grew louder at how flustered he got just from one single interaction with you. "wait for me, till. you can't leave a celebrity like me behind... you don't want any of my fans catching up to me, do you?"
"ugh, stop talking about that!"
naomi-nana. do NOT repost, do not use,(with or without permission), do not reccommend or talk about my works outside of tumblr.
#nao.writes#alnst#alnst till#alien stage till#alnst x reader#alien stage x reader#alien stage fanfic#till x reader#alnst till x reader#alien stage#vivinos#alien stage vivinos#alnst vivinos#theres so little tags to the point where idk what else to add...
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It is 4AM in the morning, I should hit the bed asap. But I needed some time on my own tonight, because I've been supressing feelings way too much the past months. (Thought post about random thoughts, no clue if they make sense it's 5AM when I post this)
I found it really hard to talk to friends about my emotions as of recent. One reason might be, that I still suffer some pain I endured from the old work enviroment.
Somehow I often just want to be left alone, I feel very drained most of the time. But that often leads to a loop effect and I isolate myself further.
Like, at the old workplace I was expected to do something constantly, if I wasn't working on anything for over 3min I'd get scolded or yelled at. Or my coworker would become an adult baby and behave strangely. The other coworkers never saw anything wrong with him, so I was extremely afraid that everyone else had something against me. My old boss would side with him from time to time. The constant demand to stay productive was so draining.
In the end I got replaced, I mean I thankfully found a new job by then. But a new person came in, another inexperienced young person who seemed nice and all. Not sure how she is doing in that place, either she fits right in, or my coworker is making her endure the same pain, or he just overworks himself as he usually does. A person who had my job before I came, became extremely demotivated there and simply left to another workplace.
I try to explain this a bit to highlight some difficulties I am experiencing atm... I don't talk to family about my feelings that much. I tried but, they get easily offended if I vent too much. I have no called my dad back in a while, I already know when I call him back he will only be offended. Or maybe I am spiraling rn. My head makes things appear worse than they actually are.
You guys see how much stuff I have been doing on tumblr the past months or so. I don't remember how long it's been, but... I am still in this mindset of constantly working and staying productive. I rest when I can but I always get the feeling "I have to stay productive" and work on stuff, even when I am sick. In a way it helps to not fall into thoughht spirals, tho then I don't give myself enough space to rest.
I don't know what my end goal with this endless productivity is supposed to be, I want to be helpful in some way and feel like I belong somewhere. But even right now I feel like something is missing... I can't grasp this thought, I don't know what my end goal is. Been messing with fmodel so much to get the game work on this for datamining, I posted a thread on the fmodel server and they said the game is fully working with it. Which suprised me, that I was able to achieve that. Was I the first one to do so? I always thought there is someone better than me already. I often just think I will be some replaceable object, where someone else just takes my place. And this thought... spirals in a way- where I think very less of me. Stuff like I will be forgotten anyways or hmm someone better comes.
My family treated me like an object at times, not letting me decide what to do. Old coworker did the same and I am expected to just agree to everything they say. I tried extremely hard to fight back at the old workplace but I was always met with a wall.
Sometimes I would struggle venting to friends, because when I felt the lowest I get very clingy. I think when I saw Muir in game I noticed some similarity in him in me for example. Even tho I hate to admit that thought, but I have gotten way better at being less clingy. Maybe it's because I grew up a bit more. I definitely ain't the same like 4 years ago. But not to sidetrack too much... sometimes I would vent to friends and they'd bombard me with advice or, maybe some advice felt off for me. One friend once said that we're replaceable (job related) and that didn't sit right with me. Some of this advice would put me off so much that I would stop talking about my feelings with anyone, or just one small friendgroup. But I don't mention a lot there. I think... I think what I can see with myself is, I distance myself so much from everyone, I don't dm people to have a normal chat (I think I get very confused when I hear people dm each other all the time, what do people dm each other for...?I wouldn't know what to talk about), maybe I hang out on servers. I don't want to look at my main phone because suddenly so much makes me nervous again. I want to be alone the entire time and the meds stop some emotions from popping up.
So I have random outbursts where I would cry. and I really need to sit down after sleep and find a new group therapy.. today
I put ridiculous standards on myself sometimes, not wanting to appear weak and appear "professional". But my imagination of being professional is basically be emotionless and work without problems. Tho this doesn't make sense, perhaps I worry too much since I noticed some people really like what I do here. And I don't want to let people down in that regard. but I don't know how.
Earlier I was debating on wether it is strong if I show my weakness or if it's better to hide it. Tho hiding doesn't bring much for me, it's rather bad.
Yknow an earlier post where I mentioned I really like Roper? I get the feeling one of the reasons I find him interesting is, because the way he appears. He doesn't seem to show emotions that much, rather monotone and seems to be a hard working individual. Who sadly needs to do way more because Rennick makes things more difficult. Tho like, even if you see him in Marine Control later... he just suffers in silence. Ain't like Trots who went full bananas, or Muir feeling extremely anxious and all. Or Addair wanting to call his kids and Rennick just flat maniac. Roper just, sits there and tries to avoid saying much. Only thing he says is to keep Rennick away. Maybe the deleted soundfile of the scene says otherwise, but in my view it feels like idk he just ain't somebody who would talk about his feelings. Maybe Roper is some visual imagination of what I think a professional is, but I think he probably has different problems that could be way worse. Suppressing feelings is not good, I still have a lot to work on, on myself.
I am sadly getting too tired to continue this string of thoughts...I always feel very awkward posting my feelings on the web. I wouldn't know where else to thow them.
I will post something silly after sleep. I made some dumb screenshots ingame that literally made me giggle for half an hour ioudhwioeu. Okay, goodnight
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Hi, I've been following you lately. Your fictions are so awesome, they really made my day.
I'm currently looking for new works and came across your Opera House AU. It's a bit unfortunate that those main ideas and plot aren't quite on AO3(where I usually read most because I'm not good at English). So I follow your instructions to Tumblr to search by tag.
I don't know and I'm not sure but I have scroll down all the way to find the first post about the idea of it. Well... I've come to the post from 20/3/2023 and it not the first one(?). It seems like you've talked about it for a while before having the tag.
The story plot made me feel so curious because you've been talked about it for a while. What have happened? What are those about? What will happen next? So exciting, can't wait to know!
Sooo... If you don't mind, can you tell me about the first idea of it and the story line up until now. I'm really grateful and thankful for any ideas that will help me know more about the AU!
After all, thanks for answer me and please forgive me for bothering you. I love you so much! Wish you have a great day/night! <3<3<3 💗💗💗
Oh hi!
So, the opera house AU actually did only start around that time! I made sure tag all the posts with the appropriate tag, it's just that ny missing pieces you feel might have existed before exist only in Ds between myself and @/cantankerouscanuck, who I believe was one of the ones to start the AU rolling and really get me making it (him and @/mermain123)
The AU is still pretty new works wise, although I guess it's been around for over a year now!
The main plot is yet to be written, but would focus, theoretically, around a young Hyrule, who, freshly booted to the streets after out-growing foster care, is homeless and working a crappy job while trying to figure out life, and runs into Legend, who is, well, on the run from the cops (he's a graffiti artist in his spare time).
The two boys would sort of connect as Hyrule insists on helping the guy- who literally fell through a window of a (seemingly) abandoned building and landed him while he was trying to sleep there -back home. After this, they meet again and, attempting to help Hyrule in return, Legend gets him a job at the opera house where he's worked since he was small.
The main story would follow Hyrule getting familiar with the cast and crew of the opera and finding his own place among them, either as a performer himself or in some other role (so far unknown because that's something he has to decide for himself).
I fully intend to write this one day, but have a lot of other big stories in my head so it's been slow. that said, there's been so many great ideas, suggestions and prompts given to me that I did end up creating a few one shots for the story, focusing around the other Links and their own respective drama (mostly Legend and Twilight but trust me the OH AU Time brainrot is real rn)
If you have any further questions about the series, feel free to ask! I love talking about this one so very much and it's never a bother for me when I see messages or asks about it (it honestly brightens my whole day!)
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i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….
#or maybe my time here ends w this month…i’m not sure i guess it all depends on how i feel but as of right now#everytime i think i'm fine i open tumblr and immediately am sad again the whole app has become my doomscroll at this point#i got a notification on a random talking post from a while ago and it felt like reading the words of a completely different person#lately i find it difficult to find any joy here at all when it always feels so lonely… a type of loneliness i’ve never experienced before#everyone always has ppl interacting w them who are interested in their stuff or are always sent things that are reminiscent of them....#i’m always praised for remembering stuff abt other ppl but i wonder if anyone remembers anything abt me#what is it about me that is so forgettable am i dull am i uninteresting did i not solidify myself enough do you guys just not like me lolz#but i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping or being ungrateful to what i do have because ik comparison is the death of joy but#it's still hard to watch when it's so in your face and it makes me think if ppl only talk to me because they feel obligated to#because anyone can say empty words.... i wish my perception of things didn't turn bitter i wish i hadn't become so jaded but#over and over i've felt irrelevant cast aside overshadowed and i cannot exist in a place where i feel like i'm a ghost in the corner#idk i've never felt like This before and i'm at least glad it's something i can walk away from by just....leaving...#sad that this used to be somewhere i can run away To but now it's become somewhere i want to run away From#i don't know...even if i get over whatever this is...things will never be the same for me... i just don't think i belong here#if only i had never made this blog then i would have saved myself a world of turmoil
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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the horrors persisting
#the horrors aka bone deep insecurity and being so tired of everything ever that it makes me sick#do you ever want to rip your skin off because you hate everything about yourself#the way you speak and look and act in public and talk to people and the way your brain works and your habits and just. everything#i can’t explain it i just hate being me so so so much nothing can ever change it#no matter what people tell me or what i tell myself it will never go away i just want to like#restart#or take my brain out and clean it and put it into a new body and start all over again#and uni just 💔💔💔💔 is so hard and being an adult is so hard and im never gonna get a job i think and the earth is ANGRY!! at us for destroyin#it and people are dying and being murdered and men are STILL awful and only getting worse and#women are supposed to be beautiful but why do i even have to be beautiful in the first place why#can’t i just be a person and nobody wants to make real friends and the sense of community is being lost nearly everywhereeee and groceries#are three thousand dollars and everything just sucks it sucks so so bad#and im sick of pretending im just whatever about it or that im okay or whatever like noooo im not happy im miserable ive been that way for#years im angry and upset 24/7 and im not the best person i could be by a long shot and im just not good#and im sorta tired of ppl acting like i am too like no im really not#im about to log off tumblr for good#maybe i just need to go outside#idk#♡ dear diary…
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one of the most important aspects to be learnt of being a political thinker online, a passive or active viewer of sociopolitical discourses and marginalization, is that just because you find someone to be “wrong” on a subject, have a bad take on a words definition or have shitty political/strategic takes, or just be fucking annoying to you personally, doesn’t make them stop being from the same marginalized group or group-of-groups as yourself. tragically sometimes a comrade-in-arms also just fucking sucks without it being a cishetero bourgeois psyop or a more-particularly-advantaged-yet-still-marginalized-group punching down. like there can be “self-hating” people from demographics actively trying to oppress said demographics but 9 times out of 10 Kaleb from My Discourses isn’t a Dennis Prager rubbing elbows with literal nazis he’s just that dipshit who thinks Judaism as a social category necessitates matrilineal affiliation (even though the people that actively hate Judaism as a social category don’t conceive of it as such). For example I mean.
this should really go without saying but good fucking god my own time in the ‘strangers with a word or two in common trying to kill each other online’ trenches neeeeded
#yes this is about queer community discourse#(most) about anyway i mean. i literally talked about a judaism thing in the post lol#realizing this has felt like a gigantic fucking burden got lifted off my shoulders. like oh yeah sometimes you can just dislike a line#of rhetoric without it being a fucking calamity that invalidates other peoples places in the broader ‘community’.#the fact i can care IS important to some extent but what still matters more is that The -Archs rarely if ever actually care that much#regaurdless of what a sapphic calls themselves they’d still be lit on fire by the deathsquads for degeneracy as much as the rest of us#just because some dipshit thats personally loathsome on an individual scale takes any criticism of the use of ‘queer’ as a personal attack#doesn’t remove the fact that theyre still just as fucking fallible as the rest of us#like this doesn’t remove how i feel about these subjects. some labels are fucking redundant and shitty and yes-actually-invalidating of#other peoples definitions (most importantly MINE hahaa!) but jesus h fucking christ i haven’t seen a ‘bad actor’ on these subjects in years.#it was only ever the discorse itself really that alerted and enabled people to get noteworthily bad about. like#anything. even setting aside vaguing bi lesbian as a label (sorry) EVERY FUCKING DISCOURSE THAT ISN’T ‘hey this person doxxed someone’ or#or ‘hey these are closed fucking religious practices/stereotypes/slurs’ has been like that!!!#ace discourse was a fucking hellscape and i genuinely just don’t think the problems would have happened there on either side if people#actually fucking treated each other like. human beings????#some of THAT came down to trying to compare opressive forces against even the other acronymal identities is a politically disturbing underta#aking in its own right. we can barely talk fucking humanely about the intersections of transphobia abd homophobia throw amatonormativity on#the mix and expecting 2015 tumblr to be civil is like hand ak-47s to middle schoolers. urk.#so basically i’m the smartest and bestest because i can acknowledge and respect my own biases while still recognizing them AS biases and#try to always keep the broader political climate in mind when considering topics that are ‘hot button’ to myself uwu#i’m basically just like noah from the bible i’m so virtuous i’m going to start a big zoo in a boat now
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#when i was a kid I was kinda neglected and my parents didn't like me very much but whatever#in tv there would always be these talent#and they would stare little kids with they parents being THERE and PROUD#so in my kid brain i thought: alright so to better my situation i just need to get really good at something and then they'll care for me#and the only skill i had been complimented on before was drawing#so i started teaching myself drawing#birds because i liked them and plants because i thought my mother loved and later skeletons because i was emo lol#and i think how i am so perfectionist in my art (eventhough i try to be happy with just whatever i make these days)#and i think about that quote of suzanne riveca thats like:#(my art) has to be perfect it has to be irreproachable in every way to make up for it#to make up for the fact that it's me#and about that one tweet that went something lile#sometimes we strive for pervection in our art because we hope to one day create something that doesn't look like we made it#and how i love drawing and hat that knife against my throat that hinges my life on it being good#and how no matter what i do#I can't get rid of that sinking feeling that i always have to struggle and earn my place in someones life#even when i know it's not like that and thats just the mentally ill part of my brain being loud and dumb#Like i got so many issues under controll by now#many reason to be proud! and be positive about things getting better and my own strength#but some part of my brain is still that little girl alone in all the empty rooms#and i can't get her out of there#because the strength that girl needed to make it through is the same strength i need to help myself through the waves of the aftermath#like i feel like to heal i'd need to allow mysf to be weak but that prospect of not holding myself clenxhed like a fist is so scary#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol#and I WISH not every therapist in my city that accepts patients was a weird nutjob#so i could talk to them about it rather than the tumblr tag#but this is the hand we've been given and it's the hand we need to hold or however that goes#a few days ago someone called me charming and that was very nice#tumblr still limiting the tags to 30 😔 how is a girl supppse to therapise herself in that economy????#whatever!!! i am shattering like glass but at least i have viddy games and cool people in my life that like me despite it all and music
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ugh, the good feelings from this ghovie weekend are bottoming out
#maria blabs#this is when i start thinking that i've been really annoying#because ghost is all i've been able to think and talk about#jokes on my irl friends because when i message them (not on tumblr)#that's me being restrained#tumblr is the only place i can be feral#anyway there is a downside to special interests#because they will consume my brain and it's really really hard to do anything else#like i am constantly at war with myself to act like a normal human when i'm in the midst of one#it's exhausting to exert that control over myself and also to not just be thinking about whatever i'm interested in#inside of me there are two wolves etc.
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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I hate leftist twitter discourse and all associated youtubers.
#not as people i just hate the content#as a renowned hater of when people use the term 'liberal' to mean#someone who believes completely different things than Good Leftists such as myself'#then you can bet i won't be happy in that space#plus the rampant hatred people have towards some leftist youtubers is at a level they would never get if they weren't talking politics#you'd better believe it all comes from other left-leaning people also! There's a whole separate category for right wingers who hate them#it's just a circle of people saying 'we mustn't forget that so-and-so's bad words and deeds have truly Harmed people'#and then in a few months the person who said that is the Harm doer themselves and must step down and apologise#no one has any fucking integrity in that way and as such it's a terrible place if you have OCD purity brain#this isn't the kind of left space i want to be in but oh my god twitter poisons EVERYTHING#and tumblr- i wouldn't post here at all if i had any number of followers#i only rant here because i have like 5 people who read it#love you btw <3
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i try not to let it get to me but the knowledge i am always going to be The Stupid One in every situation i’m in just…really, really sucks. sigh. oh well. i stay silly :3c
#cant even blame it on being audhd because everyone else i know who is#is smart and talented and their brains work alright 😭 i'm just stupid and incapable#i feel like i’m the only person out there who does not get to experience any of the benefits or joys of these things#for me it is nothing but brain damage and endless suffering with no brightside or intelligence or anything#but then everyone tells me i’m the bad guy because if there was a magic button that would make me not audhd i would click it immediately#like why am i wrong for not wanting to suffer#everyone else seems to have a special interest or a fixation and they can remember information about those things but i...dont. i can't. LO#i do not experience the autistic joy everyone else talks about. i dont have the adhd focusing on what you like superpowers or whatever#my autism made me barely pass highschool and i couldnt handle community college and i had to drop out and i can barely handle having#an entry level job that everyone patronizes me about#i'm barely verbal and i am losing my ability to function to brainfog and everyone around me treats me like i'm their little pet idiot#but wanting to change that about myself makes me evil and bad or something i guess#sorry to whine on tumblr like the good old days but twitter is sick of my shit LOL 😭#pmdd making me spiral worse than usual#one of those times where i'm realizing that if everyone else experiences these things totally different from me than maybe that was never#what was wrong with me in the first place lol. maybe i dont have an explanation and i'm back to being 10 15 19 24 sobbing wondering why im#like this. why i'm so stupid. not even in a self hating way in a legitimately proven way that i am functioning below average intelligence.#ok im done sorryyyyy god i forgot how good tumblr is to vent on#z
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It's interesting to stroll around Fanlore reading discussions that took place in 2007 talking about the fractured nature of fandom on LJ and people interacting without having enough context (as in commenting on a post they did not read by a user they do not know) when you're living in 2023 and people distribute likes without reading anything or commenting; when there's supposedly "drama" of unknown origins happening in more than one website at the same time because there's no real "home base" for fandom activity anymore; and we're all carrying on with our lives reblogging things without even looking at previous notes and reactions to that same post even if out of simple curiosity...
#what gets me is the lack of discussion. i don't expect anyone to approach things in a more ~intellectual manner no#but i guess i expect a little more than what i see. i'd *like* to see a little more. more than just personal unfounded opinion#idk i have the distinct feeling that we're all screaming into the void only louder and louder and louder#(you will never convince me that twitter is a good place for discussion because it just isn't. it wasn't made for that#it doesn't support it. its very quick structure is part of why so many people have long recognised it as toxic social media)#(it's talking over one another in fragments. if you agree on there all is peachy but if you don't then lol good luck)#anyway. again. i do know tumblr isn't exactly proper for any of this either; the dashboard isn't designed for it#but it's not like i can convince anyone to switch to a slower and more text/reflection-based platform either now can i#i think about migrating every day but then i'd REALLY be screaming into the void#silly blabbering#i'm allowing myself to post this on this blog because it isn't strictly WN related but also it is. i hate twitter fandom lol#(also if you're wondering yes i did read that one for the bakhtin. in this house we love and support bakhtinian studies)#(just in case my last little essay on wn didn't clue you in regarding that lol)#ALSO i love the fact that the post (the actual post. if you click the link and follow through to the original post. which you should)#links to another post that goes to another post (i love these link black holes) where the author voices things i feel too lol#about crafting extensive essays and the expectation regarding their response#i sometimes think that LJ fandom is what made me choose my degree#why am i seeing myself through someone else's words written in 2006 ksjdfhksdjjhksdgjsd#and yeah yeah we should respond to other people too -- but how when no one is writing the sort of thing you want to/can reply to?#i'm not interested in the colour of beatrice's knickers (not that anyone has talked of that... afaik... but you get what i mean)
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#I'm gonna talk into the void for a second#it's been so weird. like. idk how else to describe it#i drove home from work in a daze bc my best friend called to tell me the news#i ate then i locked myself up in my room and cried#now it's been a few days and that's become routine#i was so....idek yesterday that i cut of 5 inches of my hair#i miss him#and it's complicated bci know what he did to others but i also know what others did to him#he was just a kid when he was thrown into fame and with all the pressure and lack of adult guidance or help he didn't stand a chance#he was gobbled up by something bigger than himself and wrung out for money when he was still a kid wanting to please everyone#idk everything just feels weird#the sadness is really ugly and strange#having to compartmentalize has been tough#i had to let some of my students know that i was a huge fan of 1d so they'd shut up bc they were going on and on about him#they're good kids and immediately stopped talking about it but they were speaking so callously about a person's death#i avoid tumblr unless im home because you all get it#i feel so incredibly alone in this in real life#my best friend has been amazing and listened to everything i have to say but she doesn't get it. how could she? her idols are still alive#so i only come on here when i can completely feel everything#I've spent a couple of hours everyday on here crying with all of you because you all get it#this ugly weird thing. you all feel it too#it's been the way it was when the fandom was at it's most active. all of us discussing and feeling and being *together*#I'm so grateful to you all for always being here or for coming back and for understanding it#idk if i would have had a genuine place to go to for this outside of tumblr#and i think thats a testament to all we've been through and the kind of online spaces the boys cultivated#especially liam who always seemed to be so happy to interact with fans and fanart#im going to stop now or im going to keep rambling forever#rest in peace liam and thanks for everything#lp#❤
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You know those people who need attention and thrive on it? I'm like the opposite of that lol
#i like validation but i never want attention lol#when im in public i hate being perceived and online im so bad at messaging people until there's a rapport but it's hard to get to that phase#and i talk to myself on tumblr because like it's the only place i can vent and validation is nice but i assume people don't see my stuff lol#introvert#avoidant
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